Monday, June 23, 2008

Moving: the 20-something's Dilemma

Somewhere out there in cyber space, there is a statistic about how often people in their 20's move. It's part of our dna in the decade starting with a 2. We finish training/schooling/college. Maybe, you move for an advanced degree. We move for our first job. We move for that next better job that keeps us assured of our value in the world, but reminds us again that we are at the mercy of the employer. Do you hear your story here? Whether you are one of those 20/30 something people or not, the story of life in the US seems to be one of mobility.

Personally, I moved from Louisiana to Texas to Kansas City. Those are just the big moves. I am on my 3rd living environment just in Kansas City, and I remember 5 or 6 moves in Texas. No one likes moving, and anytime it's brought up, at least two people get in to an argument about who hates it more. Let me assure you, I hate it too.

However, with each readjustment, we are given an opportunity to go through our stuff, and our memories, to see what can stay and what must go (to Goodwill or maybe the trash). This move recently was into a smaller space, with the acknowledgement that we are getting married soon. There are many things and memories that are moving from one place to another.

Do I really need the purple bag I used for my pom-poms in 9th and 10th grade when I was in the Pep Squad? (The answer to this, is yes. I love that bag, the memories with it, and hearing people laugh when I say 'pep squad.') Do I really need to keep my old glasses that I loved at the time, but would never wear again? (No, I have pictures to remind me of them. And, someone helped by the Lion's Club deserves them.) Do I really need to keep _____ ? (Fill in the blank, and the answer is more often than not 'no.')

You have probably been through this litany yourself. Have you found yourself opening up a box that has made it through 2 moves (or more) without being opened and wondering if you can guess what's in it before the lid comes up? We do this with things and we do this with our own memories. We keep them inside our hearts and hold on to them, even when they are negative and need to be let go.

So, I must thank God for moving. I thank God that it takes every bit of energy and planning that it does. For, it is in that exhaustion, we see and remember and move on just as we are moving in.

-Kelli

Monday, June 16, 2008

Angry at a Dead Man, Reflections on Father's Day

WARNING: If you are uncomfortable with raw honesty, real questions, and someone being angry at their dead father, don't read this.

__________________________________________________________


There are a great deal of wonderful things going on in my life. God has given me opportunity and I happen to have finally responded in ways that God always wanted me to. There is this new faith community that is being built and developed. There is an amazing fiance who has taught me about healthy relationships and loving with all that you are. I have had a great 2 years at a wonderful church where I really learned about what it means to be a minster. Kansas City is a fantastic town that I love living in.

All of this, and I am now angry at my dad for the first time since right after he died. My dad died (for those who don't know me, or don't know the story) July 28, 2001. He was an alcoholic and my brother found him dead in his bedroom chair after an ulcer ruptured in his stomach and he died of internal bleeding. This is a pretty common death for those with this disease of addiction.

For the most part, his death was a moment of release from the disease. It was the final release for him and a huge release for the family. Addiction pulls in all who are around a person. Even if you do not know that someone is an addict or related to an addict, you are affected by the behavior of addicts and their families. You can check out the website I linked to the title of this blog (just click on the title) to read signs and symptoms of children raised by addicts and certainly you can find many other things out about how addicts behave online. With counseling, I worked through a myriad of emotions and learned new skills for life like forgetting co-dependency, learning to trust, stop trying to fix other people's problems (especially when you are not invited to do so.) Those are only a few and, to be honest, I am still working on a lot of these things.

I felt a lightened load upon my dad's death. It felt like I had been freed from a weight I never chose myself to carry. For years, I was angry at him for his inability to shake the disease. I never really felt angry for him dying, until now.

That list from earlier in this post of how great life is, that is why I am angry at him now. Why can't he be here to see my new loft in the River Market? Why can't he meet my fiance? Why can't he come be a part of this new worship community that is forming? Why? Why? Why? These are my angry questions. These are my deepest desires as I reflect on father's day 2008.

Some people may not think it is fair to ask these questions to a dead man. But, really they are asked so that I may work through all these emotions. There is no doubt that the disease was too much for my dad, as it is for many people. There is no cure for addiction, and because of twisted/perverse thinking, the research on addiction is decades behind that of other illnesses. My dad is at peace. To bring him back would mean bringing back the disease, and I can speak on his and my family's behalf to say that is in no way helpful or holy.

So, why admit to the world these deep feelings? Many pastors live their lives as if they never have such experiences. Many pastors are slow to share their own hearts desires. I have shared them here for two reasons: (1) its cathartic; and (2) someone, somewhere feels the same way I do right now; someone, somewhere is dealing with their parent whose disease of addiction is killing them all.

So, there it is today. The Confession of One Pastor.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

It's over...

Who hasn't become fatigued with the recent election process? And, the fact of the matter is that is has only just begun. (If I knew how to add a song snippet right there, I would.) Even in the tiredness of constant coverage, there really is a great message out of the campaigning:

People are more involved than ever.

Oh, yes, even this tired voice can say that it is an exciting time where people are talking and discussing and actively seeking out the process. That old saying about what is appropriate to talk about and what is not at dinner is truly out the window. Given that I am a pastor, I am always ready and willing to talk about religion. And, our society seems to be obsessed with talking about sex, or at least the sex lives of celebrities. But, now, more people are willing to express their views on politics, even in mixed company.

The pundits and television commentators reveal a divided system, but in the everyday lives of regular people, it is different. My concerns about this government and this life are centered in the same questions that those of the differing party are trying to answer too. We are caught up in seeking out a way to live and a way to vote that makes our values known. Clearly, my values are not the same as many, but in humility I know that the person who disagrees with me has the same rights I do and were made by the same loving Creator who made me. This is so beautiful to me. (And, it may be a little rose-colored-glasses of me as well.) However, the possibility of honest conversation with those who share my ideas or those who differ is foundational to a great country and being a great society.

My hope for today: that many will seek to move out of the partisan examples layed before us and talk with our family, friends and neighbors about what they care about, doing so without judgement. Whatthey say may hurt our feelings, but in getting to know each other, we can see a future that is different.