Snowy Snow

Yesterday, it snowed. From my living room windows (they take up the bulk of the outside wall) I could see a wide span of the River Market and downtown covered in a white blanket. From West of the Broadway Bridge to the Isle of Capri Casino, and all over the KC Metro, there was a fresh layer of snow. When this Louisiana girl first moved to the MidWest, snow was a new concept. Driving in it was unheard of and walking was difficult at first too! I still don't drive in it and now I wear the right shoes. And, I love the snow. It is quite mesmerizing.

Snow manages to make everything look new and ancient. The individual flakes, in their beauty, come together to build beauty in unity. It makes me wonder about our own individual beauty and gifts. I've seen cards and anecdotal stories about how we are each as unique as a snowflake. They make me roll my eyes. Maybe the stories work for some people. It took me a while, though, and some serious counseling to truly know that I am created with beauty and unique gifts. My hope for people (in Advent and beyond) is that we each learn about our unique beauty and then learn how to make beauty together in our blanket of humanity, woven together by God.

Black Friday, Presents, and Advent

It's hard to ignore the ridiculousness that has become the Friday after Thanksgiving. With 5 a.m. store openings, lines that start the night before and news coverage, it is difficult not to feel the advertizing pressure to make your way out there. My husband and I went to Utica Square in Tulsa late on Friday, thinking we should just get out of the house. We quickly realized that it was not our scene. There were people packed in and walking away with armfuls of branded merchandise. 

First off, neither Nick nor myself make too much of brands or shopping. We'd rather be home playing with the dogs or dancing in our kitchen with sock-feet. Second, we both place politeness and niceties at a premium, and it was clear at Utica Square that people were more interested in getting to that sweater (or whatever they were looking for) more than saying excuse me for bumping in to each other. It was sad.

It was more sad, however, when the news broke that an individual opening up a Long Island, NY Wal-Mart store had been trampled to death as the crowd surged to enter. In the aftermath of a death, Wal-Mart claims it did everything it could to prepare. Damour,  the 34 year old man who died, was hired to be extra security. After the doors opened, people streamed in, knocked him down, and proceeded to step over him, and step on him. How in the world could people move past him without any regard to a man laying on the ground? How is a tv, camera, dvd player worth more than leaning over and checking to see if he was ok?

It as my hope that even in this economic downturn and my lack of income, Nick and I would be able to still give Christmas gifts in the way that we have done before. My decision was to make some of the gifts. I have, so far, made gifts for my girlfriends and anticipate making a couple more for some other family members.  The gifts that we give are not over the top, and are meant to connect with those we love. It seems that even we get caught in the efforts of commercialization. I believe we have found a balance of remembering people with gifts; and remembering it's the people, not the gifts, that matter.

Each year, pastors try to remind people what this season is really for. First, we are in the Advent Season. (It's not Christmas, yet.) Second, Advent is about awaiting all that God has in store for us each. The story begins with anticipating the Christ-child, but is complete only when we consider what Jesus was asking of us on God's behalf. This video below is about such promises. Hope you enjoy it.

Why I am

My name is Kelli and I am a 28 year old pastor living in Kansas City, MO. I grew up in a Southern city where people spoke about equality but lived in specific neighborhoods without crossing the racial line. Whether in my hometown or in Kansas City, we still live divided lives whether by race or class or a variety of labels and prejudices that only hold us back. This couldn't be further from what God desires or what the promises of our country hold. In church as well as in our American neighborhoods (and around the world), I believe that true community is built among a variety of people all sharing the best of themselves, working together to make a just world. My husband and I moved into a diverse neighborhood with the hope that with one step we can make a difference in building up community where our faith and values are lived out. As modern people, we speak of justice in punitive ways, but the Biblical sense of justice is centered in the idea that all people will eat well, all people will live well. This is the type of country I desire, the type of justice I desire. I am voting for Barack Obama because he shares that value. He has not asked me to put anything before my faith. He has simply asked that people believe in their ability to make a difference in their country, wherever they may be starting. I start in my faith, and hope that the images of peace that I see in the Bible where people live in harmony may become more real under a Obama presidency. Whether my neighbor shares my faith or not, I know that many share a hope for a better America where the dignity of each individual is lifted up before the "rights" of corporate America. Come January, I look forward to working with Obama and all of the United States to make this hope come true.

Learning to Trust

This past weekend marked the one year mark with Lucy. Lucy is our German Shorthair Pointer. Living with her around has been quite an adventure. Before getting her, Nick spent many hours on the website petfinder.com. He would look at pictures and stories of dogs in need of a home. Many times, I would look too. However, the prospect that many of these dogs will be euthanized before getting a home would always push me away from the computer. My emotions would overwhelm me. Finally, Nick felt moved to call about one dog, a sad-looking GSP whose status had changed to **URGENT**. (That is the petfinder language for imminent death.)  We decided to arrange to get her, admitting that if it didn't work out, we could take her to a no-kill shelter. As we picked her up after her journey from Western Kansas to KC. (Thankfully a shelter worker was coming to visit his family in KC. He was also the one that kept her alive nearly 2 weeks past the normal routine.) I wish we would have do wnloaded the picture that was on the web. She was scared, balled-up in her cage. When we picked her up, we saw something different...

Lucy is a beautiful dog. She is curious, playful, and demanding of attention. She could cuddle for hours and if you move, she moves to get closer.  At first, she ran out the door every chance she got. She really loves to run. In the past year, she had learned to come when we call her. I cannot remember the number of times we ran after her, usually getting a phone call from some kind stranger who grabbed her. She still runs, but she runs knowing that we love her and take care of her. We go to the park each day and she plays off leash and comes when she is called.  A year seems to be the mark of true trust. We worked with her, and worked with her, and worked with her. Lucy has been reminded in all our actions that we are not giving her up and that we are her people.  Even now, I am sitting on the couch with Chaco at one end (the lab/pointer mix I've had for 7 years) and Lucy half-way laying on me with her chin in my elbow. We are a happy little bunch! 

It takes much longer to undo pain that it does to inflict it. In her short life, Lucy was undoubtedly abused, had a litter of pups, and lived her life in a small cage. Thankfully, we got the chance to teach her about being a dog, about having a human family, and being loved! How many dogs, how many people never learn these lessons. We are so quick to dismiss broken humans who make bad decisions as "bad people." I believe that if no one loves us the way we should be loved, that if we are broken and not loved back together, that we cannot be the best person we ought to be. God expects us to be the people who share love and help develop trust in the world. So, whether it's a Lucy or a new friend, I am working for trust and sharing what God's has instilled in me. Love and Trust.

Defiance and Mutuality

 Defiance…oh, defiance. There is a part of my personality that is deeply defiant. If someone goes out of their way to say not to do something,  that is the first things I want to do. And, many times I may even agree with the said person’s reasoning, but when it is presented in an authoritarian “I am in charge” kind of way, I will do the opposite. Why? Because I believe conversation is superior to demands and love is better than manipulation.

 

So, there here it is. I am blogging during the time that I was told only to listen and take notes. I am blogging during the time that I was told to stay off the internet.

 

That gets me to the point. I love living in respectful and loving relationship with people. I love developing friendships where mutuality is the key and reverence for the God within each person, the imago dei (the image of God) in each of us.

What about you?

Summer Days

When I moved to Kansas City, I had no idea that summer's like this existed. When you live in hot climates, summer has a certain feel --  sweltering! Last summer was pretty warm in KC, but this year has been amazing. We rode the bike yesterday, running some errands, and enjoying a Sunday afternoon. Through certain neighborhoods, the ones with lots of trees, I even got a little chilly. It is difficult to ignore the majesty of this world, all it has to offer that is beautiful, when there are days like we are having now. When life is overwhelming, there is still beauty to view. When days are long and hard, a single bloom can lift a heart. 

When a Minister gives Ministers a Bad Name

There is a church dear to my heart that is going through its second power-grubbing, judgment wielding, spirit crushing "minister." I have to put that word in quotes, because to call either one of these people real ministers is to degrade the calling. 

Being a minister, a pastor, a servant is a high calling. People expect a great deal from you, but they also will give you back power, love, care in ways no one can truly anticipate. And, there is nothing wrong with people giving their pastor those things, not even power, but...

When a pastor does things unethically, and is never called into question, when a pastor manipulates people for personal gain, when a pastor fails to love and judges instead... I am ashamed of my profession.

And, what makes me more ashamed is that the lay leadership lacks the confidence to do what they are there to do: hold the pastor accountable. So, yet a second time, this church is allowing a pastor walk all over the gospel, to walk all over them, to walk all over and tear them apart from the inside out.

So, when someone says to me "church is full of hypocrites," and I look at this situation, it becomes harder and harder to counter it. 

So, I hope... I hope and I pray that someone in that church will stand up for what is right and demand accountability. I hope and I pray that God will always remind me of why I am called to ministry: to serve the people and serve my Creator. I hope and pray that this situation will have very few casualties. (I have to say few, because I already know there are some.) I hope that the piece of my heart that is breaking for this congregation comes to the forefront of every decision I make in ministry. For, if ever my ministry kills someone's joy, it's not ministry at all.

This is a sad confession to share with you. But, I believe God is calling out a greater church, a church where people are loved and respected and challenged to be better people, a church where even in disagreement, we act in love. God wants more from church; God just might want us to be Christ-like. (Who would imagine that!?!)

Leaving the Plaza

I have spent most of the day packing my office. Yesterday was the last sermon at Community. It really is the end of a 2 year roller coaster of ministry. I have learned a lot, got my footing in a field that many times eats people up and spits them out, and have fallen in love with a congregation.

When you grow up always going to church, you don’t know how to truly appreciate a congregation. You take for granted that you see people every week and that they are there for you in all the happy and difficult times. As a pastor, I have really begun to appreciate all that being a part of a congregation can be: celebrating births, mourning deaths, encouraging creativity, developing leadership, affirming life’s beauty and challenging its difficulties, dealing with people who others would rather shake off like lint. There is a depth to living in the community of a congregation that is rarely found in other ways, at least not as easily formed.

In all that I do, there will be a piece of Community in me. And, hopefully, the work the God has done through me will live on at Community.

8th Graders for the Love of God

Many Christian youngsters have a summer ritual. First, go to Vacation Bible School (aka VBS). Second, go to church camp. I was one of these youngsters. My mom always (or it seemed like always) directed the VBS at my church and I hopped on the church van (an old 1980’s white Chevy 15 passenger we called “Vanna White”) headed to camp in Tioga, Louisiana.

Tioga was a special place. It had a converted chicken coup with a stage and busted out windows, a circular dorm with one half for girls, one half for boys, and the smell of wet concrete. There was an old pool just steps from the vespers area and lake that no one was allowed to touch, much less invited to swim. And, there was the dining hall complete with a sign that read “DINNING HALL.” We loved that place with its pealing paint, rickety doors and absolutely fantastic food prepared for us by a local Pentecostal family. (Besides my Catholic school, camp provided wonderful ecumenical/inter-denominational experiences.)

Many of the people that I met there are those who I speak to regularly. And, thanks to the internet, I have kept up with many others over the past few years. Because of those friendships, I now make it a priority to counsel camps each summer. I have been doing this since my sophomore year in college. This year, I ended up co-directing the very first 8ers camp of Tall Oaks. This camp is done across the country with a Sexuality/Sex Education Curriculum called “Created to Be Me.” Given that it was the first year (and a transition year) we opted out of the regular curriculum, but kept the eighth grade only format. This was the most amazing week of camp I have ever been a part of as an adult. We had an amazing adult staff who I loved working with. We also had an amazing group of 8th graders (heading into 9th) who created a truly Christian community.

So many times, Christian communities are isolated, exclusionary, and filled with catch22 statements. I should say those aren’t actually Christian communities. They are groups that call themselves Christians, but act differently. What I witnessed last week was the forming of a place where everyone was invited to share the gifts God gave them: from singing, to dancing, to running, to praying, to telling a joke, to…! What I witnesses this past week was the creating of a group that truly loved and respected each other and held each other accountable when one missed up: “Come on, be a part of the team;” “Let’s start over so everyone can have a part;” “What do you think, You haven’t said anything yet.” It was amazing.

I am so thankful to have been taught by 8th graders how life should really be and how we should create community. I kept finding myself, what if what happened with these youth happened in our world. (No, not by making everyone become Christian. That has never and will never work.) What if the ways that these youth treated each other were they ways in which people everywhere treated each other? It would be an amazing way of living, as if every voice mattered, as if every person had gifts to bring, as if every heart is beautiful not because someone jumped through the right hoops, but just because they ARE.

Thanks be to God for the gift of church camp. Thanks be to God for the gift of 8th grade youth. Thanks be to God for a vision of life where all of creation is loved not because they have the right label, but because they are.

Moving: the 20-something's Dilemma

Somewhere out there in cyber space, there is a statistic about how often people in their 20's move. It's part of our dna in the decade starting with a 2. We finish training/schooling/college. Maybe, you move for an advanced degree. We move for our first job. We move for that next better job that keeps us assured of our value in the world, but reminds us again that we are at the mercy of the employer. Do you hear your story here? Whether you are one of those 20/30 something people or not, the story of life in the US seems to be one of mobility.

Personally, I moved from Louisiana to Texas to Kansas City. Those are just the big moves. I am on my 3rd living environment just in Kansas City, and I remember 5 or 6 moves in Texas. No one likes moving, and anytime it's brought up, at least two people get in to an argument about who hates it more. Let me assure you, I hate it too.

However, with each readjustment, we are given an opportunity to go through our stuff, and our memories, to see what can stay and what must go (to Goodwill or maybe the trash). This move recently was into a smaller space, with the acknowledgement that we are getting married soon. There are many things and memories that are moving from one place to another.

Do I really need the purple bag I used for my pom-poms in 9th and 10th grade when I was in the Pep Squad? (The answer to this, is yes. I love that bag, the memories with it, and hearing people laugh when I say 'pep squad.') Do I really need to keep my old glasses that I loved at the time, but would never wear again? (No, I have pictures to remind me of them. And, someone helped by the Lion's Club deserves them.) Do I really need to keep _____ ? (Fill in the blank, and the answer is more often than not 'no.')

You have probably been through this litany yourself. Have you found yourself opening up a box that has made it through 2 moves (or more) without being opened and wondering if you can guess what's in it before the lid comes up? We do this with things and we do this with our own memories. We keep them inside our hearts and hold on to them, even when they are negative and need to be let go.

So, I must thank God for moving. I thank God that it takes every bit of energy and planning that it does. For, it is in that exhaustion, we see and remember and move on just as we are moving in.

-Kelli

Angry at a Dead Man, Reflections on Father's Day

WARNING: If you are uncomfortable with raw honesty, real questions, and someone being angry at their dead father, don't read this.

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There are a great deal of wonderful things going on in my life. God has given me opportunity and I happen to have finally responded in ways that God always wanted me to. There is this new faith community that is being built and developed. There is an amazing fiance who has taught me about healthy relationships and loving with all that you are. I have had a great 2 years at a wonderful church where I really learned about what it means to be a minster. Kansas City is a fantastic town that I love living in.

All of this, and I am now angry at my dad for the first time since right after he died. My dad died (for those who don't know me, or don't know the story) July 28, 2001. He was an alcoholic and my brother found him dead in his bedroom chair after an ulcer ruptured in his stomach and he died of internal bleeding. This is a pretty common death for those with this disease of addiction.

For the most part, his death was a moment of release from the disease. It was the final release for him and a huge release for the family. Addiction pulls in all who are around a person. Even if you do not know that someone is an addict or related to an addict, you are affected by the behavior of addicts and their families. You can check out the website I linked to the title of this blog (just click on the title) to read signs and symptoms of children raised by addicts and certainly you can find many other things out about how addicts behave online. With counseling, I worked through a myriad of emotions and learned new skills for life like forgetting co-dependency, learning to trust, stop trying to fix other people's problems (especially when you are not invited to do so.) Those are only a few and, to be honest, I am still working on a lot of these things.

I felt a lightened load upon my dad's death. It felt like I had been freed from a weight I never chose myself to carry. For years, I was angry at him for his inability to shake the disease. I never really felt angry for him dying, until now.

That list from earlier in this post of how great life is, that is why I am angry at him now. Why can't he be here to see my new loft in the River Market? Why can't he meet my fiance? Why can't he come be a part of this new worship community that is forming? Why? Why? Why? These are my angry questions. These are my deepest desires as I reflect on father's day 2008.

Some people may not think it is fair to ask these questions to a dead man. But, really they are asked so that I may work through all these emotions. There is no doubt that the disease was too much for my dad, as it is for many people. There is no cure for addiction, and because of twisted/perverse thinking, the research on addiction is decades behind that of other illnesses. My dad is at peace. To bring him back would mean bringing back the disease, and I can speak on his and my family's behalf to say that is in no way helpful or holy.

So, why admit to the world these deep feelings? Many pastors live their lives as if they never have such experiences. Many pastors are slow to share their own hearts desires. I have shared them here for two reasons: (1) its cathartic; and (2) someone, somewhere feels the same way I do right now; someone, somewhere is dealing with their parent whose disease of addiction is killing them all.

So, there it is today. The Confession of One Pastor.

It's over...

Who hasn't become fatigued with the recent election process? And, the fact of the matter is that is has only just begun. (If I knew how to add a song snippet right there, I would.) Even in the tiredness of constant coverage, there really is a great message out of the campaigning:

People are more involved than ever.

Oh, yes, even this tired voice can say that it is an exciting time where people are talking and discussing and actively seeking out the process. That old saying about what is appropriate to talk about and what is not at dinner is truly out the window. Given that I am a pastor, I am always ready and willing to talk about religion. And, our society seems to be obsessed with talking about sex, or at least the sex lives of celebrities. But, now, more people are willing to express their views on politics, even in mixed company.

The pundits and television commentators reveal a divided system, but in the everyday lives of regular people, it is different. My concerns about this government and this life are centered in the same questions that those of the differing party are trying to answer too. We are caught up in seeking out a way to live and a way to vote that makes our values known. Clearly, my values are not the same as many, but in humility I know that the person who disagrees with me has the same rights I do and were made by the same loving Creator who made me. This is so beautiful to me. (And, it may be a little rose-colored-glasses of me as well.) However, the possibility of honest conversation with those who share my ideas or those who differ is foundational to a great country and being a great society.

My hope for today: that many will seek to move out of the partisan examples layed before us and talk with our family, friends and neighbors about what they care about, doing so without judgement. Whatthey say may hurt our feelings, but in getting to know each other, we can see a future that is different.

God's Providing

There is a theological term called "providence" that I always shirked off as some sort of watered down pre-destination. It's been a hard line that I just won't cross. And, its all caught up in my lack of knowing the difference between the two. See, pre-destination is one of the most repugnant ideas in all of Christianity to me. It assumes a God that creates humans just to have a little fun in punishing us in the end. It assumes a God that micro-manages all lives and all things in the world. (Have you ever worked for a micro-manager? It's killer.) And, to be so trite, you know what assumption makes of you and me.

So, what is the difference between providence and pre-destination? Providence believes that God is always working in the world for our best-lives to come forth. It knows that God loves us and wants the misery of this life to end, if only we would open up our minds and hear God's call and nudges.

In the past 2 years, I have experienced the powerful knowing of God's providence. I moved to Kansas City not because I wanted to, but there was job here. Like most people in their 20's, I ended up where the job was. Since moving here, however, I have been provided with a great deal of love and encouragement from people and from God. I found the love of my life and we get married in October. (I never believed in that term "love of my life" before now, but that is for another post.) I have discovered that God wants me to share a message of Love and Acceptance to people who have heard differently from the religious right and televangelists that I would propose sending to hell, if only I believed in "hell." (Yet again, that will be another post.) God has given me a financial security, albiet quite small but it is secure, to start a new faith community to invite others into knowing a God that LOVES and ACCEPTS them.

I could go on, because there is so much to say. My hope is that my life and this community we are building will be a living out of God's providence, a new voice about how God works in the world, a place where people who wonder and question will be welcomed. You are invited to be a part of this journey. Blessings to all,

Kelli

the beginning

Oh, it shall come; a post will soon come alive!