Angry at a Dead Man, Reflections on Father's Day

WARNING: If you are uncomfortable with raw honesty, real questions, and someone being angry at their dead father, don't read this.

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There are a great deal of wonderful things going on in my life. God has given me opportunity and I happen to have finally responded in ways that God always wanted me to. There is this new faith community that is being built and developed. There is an amazing fiance who has taught me about healthy relationships and loving with all that you are. I have had a great 2 years at a wonderful church where I really learned about what it means to be a minster. Kansas City is a fantastic town that I love living in.

All of this, and I am now angry at my dad for the first time since right after he died. My dad died (for those who don't know me, or don't know the story) July 28, 2001. He was an alcoholic and my brother found him dead in his bedroom chair after an ulcer ruptured in his stomach and he died of internal bleeding. This is a pretty common death for those with this disease of addiction.

For the most part, his death was a moment of release from the disease. It was the final release for him and a huge release for the family. Addiction pulls in all who are around a person. Even if you do not know that someone is an addict or related to an addict, you are affected by the behavior of addicts and their families. You can check out the website I linked to the title of this blog (just click on the title) to read signs and symptoms of children raised by addicts and certainly you can find many other things out about how addicts behave online. With counseling, I worked through a myriad of emotions and learned new skills for life like forgetting co-dependency, learning to trust, stop trying to fix other people's problems (especially when you are not invited to do so.) Those are only a few and, to be honest, I am still working on a lot of these things.

I felt a lightened load upon my dad's death. It felt like I had been freed from a weight I never chose myself to carry. For years, I was angry at him for his inability to shake the disease. I never really felt angry for him dying, until now.

That list from earlier in this post of how great life is, that is why I am angry at him now. Why can't he be here to see my new loft in the River Market? Why can't he meet my fiance? Why can't he come be a part of this new worship community that is forming? Why? Why? Why? These are my angry questions. These are my deepest desires as I reflect on father's day 2008.

Some people may not think it is fair to ask these questions to a dead man. But, really they are asked so that I may work through all these emotions. There is no doubt that the disease was too much for my dad, as it is for many people. There is no cure for addiction, and because of twisted/perverse thinking, the research on addiction is decades behind that of other illnesses. My dad is at peace. To bring him back would mean bringing back the disease, and I can speak on his and my family's behalf to say that is in no way helpful or holy.

So, why admit to the world these deep feelings? Many pastors live their lives as if they never have such experiences. Many pastors are slow to share their own hearts desires. I have shared them here for two reasons: (1) its cathartic; and (2) someone, somewhere feels the same way I do right now; someone, somewhere is dealing with their parent whose disease of addiction is killing them all.

So, there it is today. The Confession of One Pastor.